# I'm in the mood for love #
# simply because I'm Mike Flaherty #
and he saw that it was good.
(Knock at door)
(whistling) coming.
Hey. Hey! Hey!
Let romance begin.
I'm writing all my children's new character, and I thought he was going to appear
after we find out whether Dimitri or Edmund will raise mattie.
I know we've only gone out a couple of times,
but when you said you wanted to come over and get a little work done,
I thought you meant you wanted to come over and...
Get a little work done.
How could you possibly make that sexual?
Oh, that's easy. I can do that with anything.
I'll take your word for it.
Will you take my word for it,
or will you take my word for it?
Will you help me with my new character?
Sure. Ah...Mick flannery,
deputy mayor of new York city.
Lives for crisis, can handle anything his job throws at him.
Boy, this could be me if you mentioned dashing good looks and raw animal magnetism.
I love this guy.
O.k., due to the somewhat revealing hole in James' overalls,
casual fridays has now been changed to casual saturdays.
Mike, I was wearing underwear.
We're painfully aware of that.
You should make the move up to a medium.
Mike, I have an issue I think we should address.
Little old ladies.
O.k., and where do we stand on little old ladies?
I know a place in the village where you can pay them to stand on you.
I'm just tired of seeing little old ladies standing in the subway
while young people sit there pretending not to see them.
Uh, Paul, less talking...
And more not talking.
I hate the subway. I'm so sick of guys
using my breasts to steady themselves.
Nikki, God gave you a knee. Use it.
Uh, Paul wants me to ask you
what you thought of his proposal
to have the mayor appear in a series
of live town hall meetings.
Mike says great idea, but after careful consideration,
he's gonna have to pass.
Uh-oh.
Paul, last time you said uh-oh,
all the trees in central park died.
Here's the thing. I may have inadvertently mentioned the idea to the mayor,
and I seem to recall a celebratory embrace.
Well, I hate to be the bad guy here, so...
Show's canceled.
Finally, kudos to Carter and Stuart.
They went to a benefit last night.
They got their picture in the paper.
All: Oh!
"Carter Heywood and friend."
Ha! Friend is in quotes.
No!
What--what do quotes mean?
Quotes mean gay, James.
Stuart's been outed.
Am I on yet?
Shh.
Why, Mike, it looks just like you.
Mike, this is so cool! You're a tv star.
Let romance begin.
That's exactly what I said.
She put our date on tv.
Mick, if these lips are free tomorrow night,
maybe you can give me a tour of your...apartment.
Ooh!whoo! Arf! Arf!
It's a tv show. That never happened.
Just because she said that doesn't mean
I'm gonna have some wild sexual adventure.
I'm gonna need champagne and roses sent to my apartment.
What about breakfast with councilman nader?
Oh, cancel that. Mick is sleeping in.
Hey, Stuart. If you need any help
acclimating to your new lifestyle...
Leave me alone.
O.k. First off, we're not a hostile people.
Stuart.
I'll see you later, sweetie.
Jeannie, I already told you I wasn't stalking you.
I was sketching your building.
I saw your picture in the newspaper.
I can explain that.
Shh. Now I understand.
Your relentless hitting on me was just a way of covering.
I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
Nobody's that desperate.
Really.
I think it's kind of sweet.
So now that you know I'm gay,
you're comfortable with me?
Of course. In fact, let's go have drinks tonight.
Yeah. It'll be kind of a girls' night out.
Yeah.
That's a cute blouse.
Not too see-through?
No, no.
Sir.
Oh, Mike. Check this out.
I'm working on a move for my new tv show.
Now...
When I answer a question,
does it make me look wiser if I take my glasses off like this?
Or if I put them on like this.
Oh!
I'm not sure if--if, really, if live tv is...
The best way to present yourself.
How about we write out a script,
we videotape it, and then we edit out all the unflattering parts.
You know, show the real you.
Oh, Mike, it's got to be live tv.
I don't know if I've ever told you this before, Mike,
but all of my life I've dreamt of being an entertainer.
The first time uncle milty appeared on that glowing tube in my childhood living room
wearing a woman's dress and a wig and makeup,
I felt... That could be for me.
O.k.
I am gonna need final approval over your wardrobe.
Well, Paul, congratulations.
Your town hall meetings are a go.
Yes! Yes!
Come on, Mike. "Yes" with me.
No.
I hate this idea.
There are 10,000 issues out there,
and the mayor can't possibly be informed on all of them.
(Hisses) yes! But we're still doing it?
Yes! Yes!
I'm telling you, I got charts here,
a list of why this will work.
Paul, just a sec.
(Beep)
Stacey?
(Whispers) code red.
Get out.
You know, if we're gonna do this code red thing,
you gotta come up with something
a little more subtle than "get out."
Hey, I stick to what works.
O.k. I got the flowers and the champagne all taken care of.
And here. A Dean Martin cd, just in case.
Just in case what, her mom comes with her?
Growing up, I was a sensitive boy,
and being so sensitive, the other boys would tease me.
About my sensitivity.
To be honest, sensitivity's what women
find so appealing about gay men.
About that...
How do I say this?
As gay as I am...
Being with you is so confusing.
Are you trying to say you're attracted to me?
Yes.
I want you, Jeannie.
Oh, but how can that be if I'm...
Maybe you're not.
Maybe we should go back to my apartment
and try to find out who you really are.
Check, please.
Mike, what's taking you so long?
Oh, come on. You got nothing to worry about.
You should hope this is on tv,
'cause you're gonna be great.
I fact, I can give you a hundred reasons
why you're gonna rule that bed.
You're cute, you don't rush,
you put her needs first.
Mike, I'm getting lonely.
In a second!
Oh. And you do that thing
where you're kind of on your side
and you reach down and you...
You should do that.
Go get her, tiger.
I should warn you.
Just because I'm a gentleman
doesn't mean I'm gentle.
Oh, my God. I work for James Bond.
So tell me. How was it with Mick last night?
Drum roll, please.
Well...
Not great.
Well, you heard her.
She said, "hot, great."
No, Mike, she said, "not great."
It was quite clear. We all heard that, right?
I heard "dot Gate."
I heard "lot mate."
What does that have to do with being sexually inadequate?
Oh, God.
She seemed to be enjoying herself. I...
What, do you think she faked it?
No, no, Mike. Women don't do that.
No, Mike. You're the best.
I heard "top date."
Too late, James!
I believe the accurate figures are as follows.
During summer, there are 191 public parks open.
146 of them have either
kiddie pools or splash fountains.
And that's an increase of 30% over last year.
And that's an increase of over 30% from last year.
And that's an increase of 30% over last year.
Mike is gonna love it.
Ah-choo!
Bless you, Paul.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Yes?
Yes. Do you think the budget surplus
means you'll be lowering tolls on the Bridges?
Switch it back.
No, that's last year's!
Last year's. This is last-- don't panic!
Don't panic! Ah ah ah!
I have an answer. Hot coffee, hot coffee.
Burning thighs... Ow, ow! 911.
Hey, Flaherty. If you're having trouble in the sack,
I give a free clinic at my apartment Saturday nights.
That's a good one, Roberta.
You really should do it, man.
Changed my life.
Where's the mayor, janelle?
He might be in his dressing room.
Office.
Hey, Paulie.
Still feeling good about the town hall meetings?
All right. I admit there was a tiny glitch.
Enormous glitch. Other glitches gather to pray
at the base of this glitch.
You got to admit there were a few bright spots.
Oh, yeah, like the moment when the mayor
responded to the question about new homeless shelters
by saying, "damn it, just put the ice down my pants."
You think that was hard for the mayor--
I'm the one who had to do it.
All right. We promised the press a series of town hall meetings.
We have to do at least 2.
Actually, Mike, I think a series is more like 5.
Paul, I'm gonna give you a series of beatings.
You're gonna tell me when to stop.
I am not gonna let the mayor do another show.
And seeing as you are the only one
with no credibility left to damage,
I have no choice but to choose you as the new host.
Yes!
Not great?
You saw the show.
Oh, yeah. Hey, and what can I say?
Lisa, I'm a fan.
Come on, Mike. You were trying so hard, you were all over the bed.
Oh, and I meant to ask you.
How did you get your head caught
between the mattress and the box spring?
Hey, look. I might have rushed a few moves into production
before they were properly tested,
but I didn't know you were gonna put it on tv!
Hey, I put myself on too.
What, the beautiful sexual dynamo
who every man wants but none can have?
I'm a writer, and I'm inspired
by the people I feel passionate about.
And I hope that if you dig down deep,
you'll find that means as much to you as it does to me.
Let me check.
No.
I was hoping to have this memorized,
but there was just no time.
There is your part. I start. "Lisa,
"I think you're basically a nice person,
but I just don't think we can see each other anymore."
"Michael, you are the greatest guy I have ever dated."
"You are so wise, and if this is your wish,
it must be what is best."
"I believe it to be so."
"Good-bye and fare thee well, Lisa."
Good-bye, Mike.
Please, l-Lisa?
"Begging doesn't make this any easier for either of us.
Just go."
I hope this isn't moving too fast,
but my parents are coming to town,
and I would love for you to meet them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jeannie.
Your parents?
Hold your horses. I mean...
As amazing as the other night was,
it turns out I'm still gay.
I broke down and called Brian, my ex, last night,
and we just talked and cried and...
Talked and cried.
Oh, God, my parents would have loved you.
I just want you to be happy.
Oh!
(Sniffling)
good-bye.
Stay sweet.
Hey, Stuart. Saw your picture in the paper.
Who were you talking to?
Oh, just my...
Ex-boyfriend.
I'm so confused.
I'm off the air. My career is over.
If it's any consolation, sir, you're still the mayor of new York.
It's not.
All my children's on, Mick.
Yeah, well, I broke up with Lisa last night,
so there's not gonna be much to see,
unless she wrote about her ride to dumpsville.
O.k., there's Gillian.
So, did your latest night with Mick go any better?
No. In fact, it didn't go well at all.
Ah, jeez, here come the waterworks.
He was even more awkward in bed.
But, hey. At least i only had to put up with 3 minutes of it.
And the strangest thing?
He paints his toenails.
I'm afraid what I'll find when we go out tomorrow.
That's not true. I broke up with her.
Where'd she come up with all that stuff?
She made it up!
O.k. There is a little less of this than when the day began.
And I thought it was Nikki.
I don't paint my toenails!
I'll prove it! Look at--look at this. Look at this, huh?
Look, look. Look at my nails. Look at my nails.
Come on, somebody, please!
Look at my nails!
Hi, senator watkin.
I'm surprised to see you here.
Anything I can do for you?
Uh, kill me.
I mean, don't kill me. Kill Mick.
Have Gillian kill Mick.
And if you can't do that,
then, yes, actually kill me,
because I can't take this anymore.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I made up all of that stuff just to punish you.
But it turns out people loved it.
Mick's a ratings monster.
I don't care about your stu--
ratings monster?
Mm-hmm.
Well, bigger than Dimitri?
Unless you can come up
with something really juicy
to replace the lost ratings... Mick lives.
On the one hand, I'm gay.
On the other hand, I'm very attracted to you.
Well, how about we go back to my place
and we'll see if we can straighten you out?
I'll pay the check.
Look, just so I can get in and out faster,
I'm gonna pay for the next few visits in advance.
Psst. Very impressive, Stuart.
Oh! Hey!
You guys aren't gonna blow my cover here, are you?
I mean, you're not gonna "in" me.
No, of course not. Why would I stop you
from making a mockery of my sexuality
and using it to further your own twisted needs?
See you, Stuart. Susan? Have fun.
Carter, I can't believe you just let him go.
Oh, why not? I know him.
Of course you know Stuart.
No, no, no. I mean Susan. I know him.
You mean...
Oh, yes.
Susan is all man.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to my show.
First up is Bob conner. Bob, where are you?
Bob...why don't you stand up
and give your seat to that little old Lady?
Who made you king of chairs?
And who the hell are you calling old?
A moment of silence, everybody.
On today's episode, Mick gets killed.
I'm sorry, Mick...
Mike: Oh, here it comes.
But this is the way it has to end.
(Gun firing)
and thus endeth the tale of Mick.
Anyone wants to know anything about my sex life,
they can sleep with me! Let's get back to work.
We interrupt this program for a special bulletin from city hall.
Help me, help me, help me, help me!
I'll get security.
Oh. How'd you finally talk Lisa into killing you off?
Well, she wanted ratings,
and I knew an actor who was looking to make a comeback.
And who are you?
Lance st. Andrews, national financier.
I'd like to buy you a drink.
Or perhaps...a building.
I'm telling you, he's a natural.
And, hey, have you heard?
Mick's going to make it.
Yeah, later. Good-bye.
Carter: Shh. Shh. Shh!
Hey, Stuart.
How'd it go last night?
She had an Adam's apple.
Man: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Barking]
Moo.